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Colin 'Chopper' Mozart
Sheffield,
United Kingdom
Posts: 20
Premier Member
Enthusiast
08 May 2008 20:48 |
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the
most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in
the second.
In the third everything had just been reduced to $5 when her
mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her
husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical
condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her
husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be
her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more
shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with
a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the
last shop, she was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.
Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the
corridor and asked about her Husband's condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and
finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of
yourself!
"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town,
your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's
just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than
likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life
he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!"
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's
dead. What did you buy?"
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Colin 'Chopper' Mozart
Sheffield,
United Kingdom
Posts: 20
Premier Member
Enthusiast
08 May 2008 20:49 |
One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast.
They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even- numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do! Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all married men exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
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Colin 'Chopper' Mozart
Sheffield,
United Kingdom
Posts: 20
Premier Member
Enthusiast
08 May 2008 20:49 |
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
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Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
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Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
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Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !
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Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
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Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
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Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
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Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
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Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
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Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Cabernet in one hand - ice cream in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming
"WOO HOO, What a Ride!
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Blizzard
Coventry,
United Kingdom
Posts: 22,142
Premier Member
Daytona 955i (04->)
08 May 2008 20:54 |
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Rob BBTB
Birmingham,
United Kingdom
Posts: 22,339
Premier Member
Sprint ST (05->)
12 May 2008 13:17 |
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